Soldier Boy
by MoonlightBreeze7
Summary: My take on what could have happened in 3x08 if they had been inside Alec's mind instead of Jace's. Basically, Alec Lightwood is a cinnamon roll and I torture him for almost 4,000 words straight. Trigger warning for self harm and suicide attempt. Please read with care. Mostly parabatai and sibling feels, but there is some Malec at the end, too.


**Hey, guys! This is another Shadowhunters fanfiction (surprise, surprise, I'm kind of obsessed) about Alec and his self-harm. This is actually my rewrite of 3x08, where Isabelle and Jace are inside Alec's mind instead of Isabelle and Alec inside Jace's. A quick trigger warning: this fic DOES contain self-harm, a fair amount of it, and a suicide attempt, so please be mindful and stay safe. Sidenote, I know Alec's eyes aren't blue in the show but I love the idea of blue-eyed Alec, so I write him that way, anyway. Hopefully that's not annoying to you readers. Anyways, I hope you like this fic! Please leave reviews and favourite and all that good stuff. I hope you have a wonderful day/night!**

**~ Em**

"Are you ready?" Magnus's clear, strong voice reverberated through the apartment and Jace and Izzy nodded solemnly. Jace reached out and clasped hands with his sister. Magnus's warlock mark, his signature cat eyes, burst forth at once and he began the ritual.

Instantly, Jace felt a searing pain in his hip, and he looked down to see his parabatai rune glowing golden. A quick glance across the room at Alec in the chains that were once Ithuriel's confirmed that the same was true for his rune. Jace closed his eyes and gave Izzy's hand a single comforting squeeze. It was time to do this.

Jace had no idea what to expect when he opened his eyes, but it definitely wasn't Magnus's apartment. "Did it work?" he asked Izzy, confused. She nodded wordlessly and pointed behind him. Jace turned and felt his face lighting up in a relieved smile at the sight of his parabatai. The smile fell, however, when he noticed what was taking place.

Alec was standing over Magnus, who was curled up in the fetal position on the couch in their living room. It only took a few more seconds for Jace to notice that Alec's shoulders were shaking, and he was clutching Magnus's hand like a lifeline. Jace moved closer, Izzy on his heels, and put a hand on Alec's shoulder. The older boy didn't react. Jace peered down at his parabatai's face and saw that Alec's bright blue eyes were filled with tears. Alec, who had never cried in front of Jace, or anybody for that matter, in all the years they'd known each other, was sobbing. He was heaving gasping breaths like he was dying and couldn't get enough air.

"Breathe, Alec," Jace said. "It's okay, buddy. We're here. We're going to get you out." Alec turned to meet Jace's eyes and opened his mouth to say something, but he never got the chance to.

The room began to disintegrate around them. The colours and bright lights of Magnus's apartment faded into a dull blue. Alec and Magnus disappeared. Jace grabbed Izzy's wrist. "Stay close," he muttered to her as their surroundings slowly morphed into the plain white walls of the Institute. In the dark, they looked almost blue, aside from the superficial lighting that illuminated the corridors at every turn.

Jace and Izzy shared a glance before heading in the direction of the training room. That was where Alec usually was, especially when he was upset, and if this was a montage of memories or a display of all of Alec's greatest fears or lowest points at the Institute, Jace had a feeling that most of them would take place in that room.

The faint sound of rain hitting the metal roof of the Institute permeated their tense silence - _Tip, tap. Tip, tap. Patter, patter, patter_. A sudden crash of thunder made Jace jump and he cursed himself quietly. A strong, brave, damn near invincible Shadowhunter and he was still afraid of thunder.

That thought gave Jace an idea. He tugged urgently at Izzy's wrist. "I think I know where he might be," he said to her. He pulled her quickly in the direction of Alec's bedroom. When they reached the wooden door and found it slightly ajar, Jace smirked in satisfaction. He remembered this night.

A teenage version of Jace was curled up in Alec's bed, sleeping soundly while the storm roared away outside. Alec was sitting against the headboard, his hand in his parabatai's hair, stroking it gently every few minutes. He appeared to be deep in thought.

"What is this?" Isabelle whispered to Jace.

"It's a memory," Jace replied. "I was scared of thunder when I was younger - " A loud clap of thunder resonated throughout the Institute, cutting him off, and he flinched visibly. Izzy smirked, and Jace sighed and said, "Okay, maybe I'm still afraid of it. Anyway, Alec could tell I didn't like it - he could feel the fear through our parabatai bond on stormy nights and put the pieces together. He convinced me there was nothing wrong with showing emotion and being afraid of something. I started coming into his room and sleeping in his bed whenever there was a thunderstorm."

Isabelle shook her head in confusion. "That doesn't make sense. Lilith's torturing him, right? She showed him Magnus's death, one of his greatest fears. Why would she show him this?"

"I think I know why," Jace mumbled, and pointed to Alec.

His older brother had removed his hand from young Jace's hair and now pressed his palms together tightly. His little head was bowed and his dark black hair fell into his eyes, obscuring the bright blue from Jace and Izzy's vision. He was whispering something the others couldn't understand, so they moved closer in order to hear the words young Alec spoke softly.

"Raziel, if you can hear me, please tell me why I'm like this," the teenage version of Alec begged. Jace felt his heart clench in pain as he realised what was happening. Young Alec stole a quick glance at the sleeping Jace from underneath his lashes and released a long, shaky breath.

"I mean, the Clave hates it," teenage Alec continued, "so do Mom and Dad. They say it's wrong. They say that one day I will be married to a woman." Alec drew in another shaky breath. "But I don't want to marry a woman." He paused for a few seconds. His hands were trembling, and Jace could, for the first time in their lives, outwardly tell that Alec was scared. Terrified, even. He was terrified of disappointing his parents and the Clave and the whole of Idris itself with what he considered to be his _disease_, his_ abnormality_. He was terrified of his own desires.

"I don't know what to do. Why do I feel this way? Raziel, please answer me. Angel, help me. I can't feel this way. It's not allowed." The teenage version of Alec stole another quick glance at young Jace beside him on the bed. "And about my parabatai, of all people…"

Jace felt his heart blooming with sympathy for his brother, who'd had to go through all of this alone. He felt tears rise to his eyes. A quick glance to his left told him he wasn't the only one; far from not being affected by the scene unfolding in front of her, Isabelle's cheeks were streaked with her own tears.

Young Alec waited for a few minutes, his hands clasped together desperately. His knuckles were growing white from their tight hold on each other. When there was no response from the Angel, he gave up and sank down onto the bed next to his parabatai. Teenage Alec threw a quick look to the younger version of Jace to make sure he was still sleeping before he buried his head in his hands and began to cry quietly.

The room started to spin again, and Jace clung to Izzy. There was no way he was letting them get separated in Alec's mind. When Jace opened his eyes again, however, his younger sister was nowhere to be found.

"Izzy?!" he called desperately. "Isabelle!"

There was no answer.

Jace cursed to himself and set off in the direction of the training room again.

~ SH ~ SH ~ SH ~

Izzy's eyes flew from the domed ceiling above her to the locked door behind her to the angry forms of Maryse and Robert that stood behind the desk in Maryse's office. The storm was gone. Jace was gone. She was on her own now.

"I'm sorry, Mother." A quiet voice caught Isabelle's attention, and she looked down to see Alec sitting in a chair in front of the desk where his parents stood. "I never meant to cause such an uproar." Alec was in a white suit and black dress pants and Izzy realised with a start that this was the day of his almost-marriage to Lydia Branwell.

"Well, you did," Maryse said coldly. "I can't believe you'd do this to us, Alec."

Alec's head snapped up. His blue eyes flashed. "This has nothing to do with you, Mother!"

Maryse rolled her eyes. "It has _everything_ to do with us, Alec," she snapped. "You kissed a _male warlock_ at your own wedding in front of dozens of high-ranking Clave officials! How do you think that makes us look? What about the Lightwood name? Did you ever stop to think about how this would affect your father and I? Did you even think at _all_?!"

"No," Alec replied. His head was bowed again. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry doesn't change anything, son," Robert spoke for the first time. "But you know damn well what will."

Alec didn't look up from his lap, but his voice was firm. "No, Father. I won't stop seeing Magnus."

Maryse slammed her hand down on the desk, hard. Isabelle and Alec both jumped. "This is foolishness, Alec! That warlock will leave you the second he's had his fill. Mark my words. You are not his first, Alec, and you will not be his last. You are nothing but a plaything to him."

Isabelle recoiled in horror. She'd known her mother was harsh, but she'd never thought she could be so cruel.

Alec's voice was softer than she had ever heard it. "T-That's not true."

"I'm sorry, Alec, but it is," Robert spoke. "Warlocks are not Shadowhunters. Shadowhunters love only once, fiercely. Warlocks fall in and out of love faster than a pin drops. Do you really expect a warlock, especially _Magnus Bane_, to love you heart and soul?"

Alec didn't answer, but his hands clenched into fists at his sides. Izzy was close enough to see what their parents couldn't; Alec was digging his nails into his palms, tearing at the skin. Little droplets of blood began to bead up at the surface of the marks.

"Especially someone like _you_," Maryse continued brutally, her tone both cruel and calculating. "You are nothing special, Alec. Your only skill is archery. You do more paperwork than Shadowhunting. You are nowhere near the warrior we hoped you'd be. Why on Earth Magnus Bane wants you in the first place is beyond me."

Rage consumed Isabelle, and she almost punched Maryse in the face before she remembered that this was all in Alec's mind and their parents weren't really there. This did nothing to cool down her anger, though, as Alec seemed to shrink beneath Maryse's icy glare and the cold look of disappointment Robert was giving his son.

Whatever Izzy expected her brother's next words to be, they weren't what came out of his mouth: "You're right."

"No, they're not!" Isabelle shouted before she could stop herself. She wasn't sure if she was supposed to be interrupting the scene unfolding before her eyes or if she needed to muddle through a montage of Alec's worst memories and greatest fears before she could find the real Alec, but she was confident that trying to intervene when Maryse and Robert were still in the room was a bad idea.

As she had expected, the memory faded quickly into another setting, this one as black as night. She looked around, but wherever she was had no bright white lamps to guide her on her way, unlike the lit corridor and Maryse's office. A strangled cry sounded from somewhere in front of her and Isabelle cursed, held her arms out in front of her, and began to make her way towards the source of the sound.

~ SH ~ SH ~ SH ~

Jace wasn't surprised when he found Alec, or at least some version of Alec, inside the training room, splitting his knuckles open on a punching bag. He was, however, surprised to see that blood ran down his parabatai's fingers, smearing red on the bag in front of him. Jace knew Alec liked to train when he was upset, and he knew the older boy had a tendency to push his limits, but he didn't think he was hurting himself this badly.

"Alec," Jace called, and walked closer and closer until he was right beside his parabatai, who was still attacking the punching bag with an excessive amount of force. He winced when he saw Alec's bloody, bruised knuckles.

_Is this a memory? And if it is, how long has he been doing this_?

"Alec, stop," Jace said. He reached forward and tried to catch the punching bag in its tracks, but unsurprisingly, it went right through him.

"Alec," Jace repeated, a little more forcefully this time. "Alec, it's me. It's Jace. Stop it."

Alec reached up to brush a piece of his black hair, matted with sweat and clinging to his forehead, out of his eyes. He grimaced as he did so, feeling the wounds on his knuckles tear. He brought his hands back down into his line of sight slowly, almost absentmindedly. He flexed each of them several times, one by one. He seemed almost enamored by the pain that this caused. Jace watched on in concern and trepidation as Alec swore loudly and threw another mean blow to the punching bag.

"Why isn't it working?" Memory Alec exclaimed desperately. He yanked the punching bag off of its hook and shoved it back in the closet at the corner of the training room. Then, he quickly sought out his bow and quiver. Jace watched with a sickening feeling of helplessness as his parabatai lined up an arrow and fired.

The arrow hit its target dead-center and Alec smiled in satisfaction, but it was tight-lipped and grim - the sort of smile you wear when someone makes a joke that hits a little too close to home; there was no real happiness behind it. Jace's stomach twisted at this. Alec notched another arrow and another and another; he fired them endlessly until his quiver was empty and his hands were a bloody mess, dripping onto the floor below him.

Alec strode around the training room, grabbing his arrows from the targets and returning them to his quiver. He flexed his hands again, but he still didn't seem satisfied.

Jace said his parabatai's name once more, to no avail; the other boy was too trapped in the memory to hear the voice of his brother calling to him, begging him to return from the prison his mind was keeping him in.

Jace watched with growing sadness as Alec made his way to a bench in the corner of the room and picked up an arrow from his quiver. He turned it over and over in his hands, considering it. Finally, Alec took a deep breath and pressed the point of the arrow to his forearm.

Jace inhaled sharply, unable to tear his eyes away from what his brother was doing to himself. Alec mumbled, "Mundanes do it all the time; why shouldn't I?" and used the sharp point to cut three long, straight lines into the delicate skin of his forearm.

Before he knew it, the training room was blurring before his eyes, and Jace was jolted into another crevice of Alec's mind. When he saw what was unfolding, Jace nearly burst into tears. After what he'd just witnessed his older brother do, he was sure nothing could be worse than that. But this..._god, this was so much worse_.

~ SH ~ SH ~ SH ~

When Izzy reached where she thought the noise was originating from, she was met with a locked door to the face. She groaned, rubbing her forehead that had smacked into the wood due to the lack of lighting in the passageway. She fumbled in her pocket for her stele, hoping against hope that somehow it would still work in this demented alternate reality that was, apparently, the inner workings of her brother's mind.

When her fingers closed around the hard metal, Isabelle sighed in relief. She pressed her stele to the door and quickly drew an unlocking rune. To her surprise, the door moved inward immediately. Oddly enough, it seemed steles did work in Alec's mind.

Izzy stepped into the room and was immediately met by a sight she never could have imagined seeing in her entire life. She cringed away in pure pain, though not before realising that Jace too was watching on with a similar look of sadness and hurt painted over his features.

The room was empty except for Alec, who was sitting in a corner with his knees drawn up to his chest. He was shirtless and hadn't taken any measures to hide any part of his body since he wasn't aware of Isabelle and Jace's presence yet. Isabelle could see a litany of scars covering both of his arms. They were thick and white and stood out against his pale skin like beacons. Even more shocking than the scars, however, were the new cuts: what must have been dozens of angry red wounds lined Alec's wrists. They were big and deep and bled sluggishly, creating little pools of red on his jeans. An arrow lay next to him on the floor, its tip blackened with blood and dulled with overuse. Alec's eyes were closed and he was breathing raggedly. What was most concerning, though, was the look of pure, unadulterated relief that encased his otherwise pain-lined face.

Despite how much blood and injury they'd all bore witness to, being Shadowhunters, seeing his brother on the floor, bleeding from wounds he had inflicted on himself, was a new kind of pain for Jace. He swallowed down a sob that wanted to force its way out of his throat and tried to focus on Alec.

"Hey," Jace said, coming closer to his bleeding parabatai. "Hey, brother. It's Jace. Can you hear me, Alec?"

To his surprise, Alec's eyes flew open at the sound of his name. His bright blue irises widened in shock and fear and he backed up as much as he could against the wall, crossing his arms to try and hide the damage. He picked up his stele from beside him and sloppily tried to apply an iratze, but his clumsy movements only caused him to burn himself instead. He whimpered in a very un-Alec way and curled in on himself even more, hiding his face in his arms.

"Alec, it's okay," Jace said, bewildered by his older brother's behaviour. "We're not upset with you."

Alec raised his head and seemed to see Isabelle, who was kneeling next to Jace, for the first time. This didn't bring him any comfort, however; if anything, it only seemed to scare him more.

Jace reached out and touched his parabatai's shoulder, but Alec flinched away violently.

"What's wrong?" Jace asked, confused. "It's me, Alec. It's Jace. We're here to rescue you."

That got Alec's head to rise from his arms. "No, you're not," he whispered. "You're just here to tear me down again." His voice broke and he stammered, "Y-You - I - the last time you were here, you c-called me weak. And p-pathetic."

"You are not weak or pathetic," Jace said firmly. "What 'we' said to you back then was Lilith's doing. She possessed you and now she's making you relive your worst memories and showing you all of your greatest fears. But we're not a part of that, Alec. We're real, and we're here to save you."

Alec's ice-blue eyes, large and glassy with unshed tears, widened. "Y-You're real?"

"Yes, Alec. I promise. We're real."

"By the Angel," Alec muttered. He jumped to his feet, grabbing a long-sleeved black shirt from the floor and quickly pulling it over his head. Jace and Isabelle let him, knowing that having his siblings see the evidence of Alec's self-harm was too much for him. He was never good at allowing himself to be vulnerable, and this was no exception.

Alec pushed back the tears that threatened to spill over and said, "Do you need me? To fight Lilith?"

Jace, quite familiar with Alec-speak, knew exactly what his parabatai was trying to say, and immediately tried to put a lid on the thought. "We always need you." Izzy nodded in tandem and Alec smiled gratefully at them. Then, suddenly, he frowned, and a look that spelled complete and utter agony crossed his face. His eyes became haunted, and Jace eyed the arrow on the floor, easily within Alec's reach, and he was scared.

"What is it, Alec?" Izzy asked, obviously reading his expression as well as Jace. Her gaze, too, shot to the arrow quickly before refocusing on Alec.

"All those mundanes…" Alec muttered. His hands had made their way to his arms, and he was pressing his fingers where his cuts had to be, hard. "A-And Clary...oh, god." His head snapped up to meet Jace's gaze, and he moaned, "Angel, Jace, I'm so sorry."

"It's okay," Jace reassured him. He gently pried his parabatai's hands away from his wounds and held them firmly. "That wasn't you, Alec. That was the Owl. You are not to blame for what the Owl did using your body."

"I should be."

Alec shook his head and grabbed the arrow before either of his siblings could stop him. Isabelle screamed and lunged forward, but she was too late. Alec drove the arrow into his chest, right where his heart was. Jace watched the bright blue in his eyes dull as blood blossomed from his chest, and he couldn't move.

"Come on, Jace!" Izzy yelled. She grabbed his hand and maneuvered one of Alec's bloody hands into her own. When Jace didn't respond, she punched him in the shoulder. "Jace!" she said urgently. "We have to go, _now_!" This finally snapped Jace out of his trance and he took Alec's other hand, intertwining his parabatai's fingers securely with his own.

"Magnus!" Isabelle screamed, and by some trick of the universe, the warlock heard her cry. A blinding light surrounded Jace, Izzy, and Alec, and Jace closed his eyes tightly against the overwhelming brightness. When he opened them again, they were back in Magnus's apartment, supporting Alec's limp body between the two of them.

Magnus paled when he saw Alec, and he immediately summoned every last reserve of his magic and threw it into healing the love of his life. Warm blue flames circled Alec's body as Magnus strained to save him. Jace and Isabelle clutched each other's hands anxiously as they waited to see if the centuries-old warlock could heal their brother.

After nearly three minutes of magic work, Magnus collapsed, the flames sputtering and dying in his hands. Isabelle ran to him, offering him a hand up, offering him her strength, so he could keep going. As it turns out, there was no need.

A faint cough turned everyone's attention to Alec, whose blue eyes fluttered open to take in his surroundings. He put a hand to his chest and then his arms, grimacing in pain. When the reality of what had happened hit him, he whimpered and pushed himself into a sitting position. His cheeks burned with shame, but he had no time to dwell on it; he was immediately swept into a bone-crushing hug by his parabatai.

"_Alec_," Jace muttered into his hair. "I thought I lost you." Alec reached up to embrace his brother, sighing against the boy that was his counterpart, his partner, his best friend, his platonic soulmate.

"_Jace_," Alec whispered back. "I'm right here."

When the two boys finally parted, Jace sucked in a deep breath, trying hard not to cry. He didn't succeed, as a few tears slid down his cheeks anyway.

"Jace, I'm so sorry," Alec said. "I thought - I mean, I didn't think…" he trailed off, shaking his head. "It doesn't matter. I'm so sorry. I'll never leave you, parabatai."

"Good," Jace said, leaning into his older brother. "I can't lose you, Alec."

"Neither can I." Isabelle kneeled beside her brothers and put her arms around Alec. The hug was brief, but firm and meaningful. Izzy kissed her older brother's cheek and said, "Alec, I swear on the Angel, if you ever do something like that again, I am going to kill you."

Alec laughed softly. "Thanks, Izzy."

She sighed and carded her fingers gently through Alec's hair. "I love you, big brother."

"I love you, too, Iz."

Jace and Isabelle parted to let Magnus, who had recovered enough from healing Alec to move, into their haphazard circle. Alec breathed in the scent of his boyfriend, sandalwood and cat hair, and allowed himself to sink into Magnus's warm embrace.

"Alexander." Magnus's voice was choked with emotion, and he seemed unable to utter anything but the name of his love, the one person in this world that he was absolutely terrified to lose, over and over. "Alexander, Alexander. Oh, _Alexander_."

"Magnus," Alec breathed into his boyfriend's shoulder. "It's okay. I'm here, Magnus. I'm okay."

"I love you so much, Alexander," Magnus said, pulling away just enough to stare into Alec's piercingly blue eyes.

"I love you, too, Magnus," Alec replied, and brought the warlock's lips to his in a crushing kiss that was so filled with love that it made Alec's heart pound crazily and his blood sing with affection.

When they finally broke the kiss and pulled away, Alec's eyes were filled with tears. He blinked them away rapidly, not wanting either of his siblings or his boyfriend to see him cry. Magnus cupped his face in the palm of his hand and Alec leaned eagerly into the touch, sighing in relief at the feeling of finally being home.

Jace and Isabelle crowded around, as well, their hands on Alec's knees, his shoulder, his ankle - anywhere they could touch him and reassure themselves that yes, their brother was alive and yes, he was going to be okay.

It was the glimmer of the broken Malachi Configuration behind them that finally broke Alec and, subsequently, the others from their trance.

"We have a Queen of Hell to deal with," he reminded Jace, Isabelle, and Magnus.

"Right," Jace muttered, and stood up, offering Izzy a hand and pulling her to her feet. Magnus stood, as well, reaching down to help Alec, who was still a little weak on his feet after the incident with the arrow.

"Let's gear up and meet Simon at Lilith's lair," Jace suggested to Alec and Isabelle. They nodded in agreement before turning to Magnus.

"Thank you," Isabelle said sincerely. "For everything."

Magnus reached out and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "You hardly have to thank me, Isabelle, darling. You should know by now that I'm absolutely crazy about that brother of yours." He winked at Alec and, just like that, Alec was falling in love with the warlock all over again.

Jace rolled his eyes and pretended to gag, to which Alec threw him a certain choice finger and Magnus smirked.

"I'm only a Portal away," Magnus reminded the three siblings. "Be safe." He drew Alec closer to him and placed a soft kiss on his Shadowhunter's lips. "Come back home to me, Alexander."

"I will, Mags."

With that, the three Shadowhunters turned and strode out of Magnus's apartment to face the Queen of Edom.

With Isabelle and Jace at his side and Magnus waiting to jump in and help at a moment's notice, however, Alec found that he wasn't afraid in the slightest.

They would get through this.

They always did.

Alec knew better than to think that anyone could get away with hurting his family. The thought made him smirk, and he tightened his grip on his bow and quiver. It was time for the Queen of Hell to face the wrath of the Lightwoods and every member of their extended family.

_Ready or not, Lilith, here we come._

**How do you all like it? Let me know what you thought in a review, I love hearing from you guys! Do you want me to make a sequel? I thought about writing the talks Alec would have to have with Jace, Izzy, and Magnus after what happened in his mind, since self harm and a suicide attempt isn't something you can just ignore, no matter the circumstance. What do you think? If you'd like me to make a sequel, please leave me a review or message me to say so! Thanks!**

**~ Em**


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